Dealing with Bereavement in Schools

On 28th August 2020, Anne Longfield, the children’s commissioner for England, said of mental health and dealing with bereavement in schools:

“…we need the right mental health support to help [school children] make the transition back into the classroom. That means training for all teachers and counselling in every school…. Many of the people who have died from coronavirus in the UK will have been grandparents, whose grandchildren will be returning to classrooms having suffered bereavement.”

This reminds us of the headteacher coping with bereavements quoted in our previous article:

“What’s the impact going to be of so many parents and grandparents dying? I’ve never existed in a space where a community has lost so many people…” and “…trying not to cry.”

It serves as an important reminder that staff will be managing the whole range of situations, including bereavement, that their students are coming back from and are also likely to be the recipients of the whole range of emotions that children and adolescents are feeling.

In addition, being older themselves and with the age distribution of coronavirus mortality, staff are more likely than children to have lost a parent.

What are the characteristics of bereavement, and how can we support children, adolescents and staff through their loss?

Grief and Bereavement emotions

Grief and bereavement bring a very complex set of emotions that present at different times in different orders. The idea of a set sequence of ‘stages of grief’ has been discredited, and grief is now recognised as a non-linear process.

Aspects of grief include some we readily anticipate:

• Sadness at the loss, sometimes extreme with a sense that ‘nothing matters any more’
• Anxiety at all the practical issues to face, from funeral arrangements to financial matters

As well as some we may be less ready to recognise:

• Denial and being determined to carry on as if the bereavement hasn’t happened
• Anger at being left (‘How could you leave me?’) perhaps with a sense of injustice (‘Why did you die, why has this happened to me, who is to blame?’)

Furthermore, some children, adolescents and adults may feel emotions that might at first glance seem counterintuitive:

• Relief, for example if a child or young person is bereaved of an abusive relative, or sometimes if the illness was very protracted
• Guilt, perhaps as a response to feeling relief and consequently a sense of not feeling the way one is ‘supposed to’. In other cases there may be the guilt of wondering if there was more we could have done to prevent their death.

This presents a very complicated situation, one where we want to be able to support people in their particular bereavement and towards being able to heal, as far as possible, from the loss.

So, for example, rather than sadness developing into long term depression, or anxiety becoming a continuing inability to cope with life, reaching a point of:

• Acceptance, a sense that, “I’ll get through this. I might not ever totally ‘get over it’, and some occasions may bring a resurgence of grief, but I will learn to live with it. Things will somehow be okay and I’ll have some happy times again.”

Resources and Training

There are many excellent resources for supporting children and young people in dealing with bereavement, for example the charities Winston’s Wish, Daisy’s Dream, Child Bereavement UK and many others. These provide support for bereaved children and young people, and also sometimes bereavement training courses for schools and teachers.

There are many helpful guidance videos from Child Bereavement UK, for example offering advice on how to tell a child that someone has died and talking about it with them, and videos about how to talk about the death of someone in various circumstances such as the death of a child, death by suicide etc.

While the resources mentioned above rarely extend explicitly to providing support for grieving adults or for bereaved school staff, they can readily be adapted. There are also organisations such as Cruse that support adults through bereavement.

Sharing such resources with parents and carers, both to enable them to support their children in their grief, and to help them cope with their own emotions around the bereavement, will also be important.

Ways to Talk about Bereavement in Schools

As so often, one starting point is in the language we use. Where a child or adolescent is able to speak openly about a death, simply reflecting their words and matching the language they use is a way of beginning to validate their emotions and acknowledge their experience.

In turn, we can go on to focus not on the circumstances, but on the emotions, without making any assumptions, and using open questions.

So, if a student says ‘My gran died’, perhaps responding with ‘Your gran died? That’s a big thing for you to deal with. How are you feeling about it?’

They might in fact go on to tell you what happened, but more importantly, a space has been opened up for them to express their own emotions. (Notice the difference between this and a phrase such as ‘You must be sad about that’ which makes an assumption.)

Of course children and adolescents, and perhaps more often adults, may be less able to talk directly about death. Children and young people may pick up on and use some of the euphemisms employed by adults at home – language which can in some cases be an indicator of denial, and which can sometimes be a barrier to processing the bereavement – using phrases such as ‘passed on’ or ‘gone away’.

In such cases, reflecting with an open question can be helpful: if a child says ‘My grandpa’s gone away’, we can quietly ask, ‘I see… Where has your grandpa gone?’  This willingness on the part of adults to engage in a conversation is a first step in opening up the space for the expression of emotions and processing the loss.

As far as possible, it’s important to avoid using euphemisms which might imply the person is gone temporarily.

Awareness of and sensitivity to different cultural or religious beliefs is also an important part of speaking about grief with students.

Acknowledging and validating their emotions without judgment is also key, whilst also reassuring them that they are not in any way to blame for what has happened.

Another important consideration is to have any conversation of this kind in a context where both confidentiality and some continuity of support can be assured. With children and adolescents, there are safeguarding considerations which may call for action, and perhaps parents will need to be kept in the loop, but otherwise confidentiality is important to underpin trust.

Continuity and sufficient time to talk are preferable to avoid the risk of leaving a bereaved child or adult grappling alone with the emotions brought up. Rather than a hasty ‘chat’, arrange a time or follow-up conversation when there is enough space to have the discussion which may be needed.

If necessary, seek further support for them in the form of bereavement counselling.

More Strategies for Schools

The strategies we set out in the previous article can help staff to support children and adolescents in dealing with bereavement in school: validating emotions, whole class strategies such as ‘Circle Time’ and individual strategies for each student such as personal journals and/or a checklist of coping skills.

Creative activities can also be very useful for helping to process the loss and express associated emotions, for example using toys or puppets, a sand tray, drama or painting/drawing pictures.

Some of the above-mentioned approaches such as journalling or using a checklist of coping skills can also be helpful in supporting bereaved staff, in the context of ongoing workload and job stress that colleagues may be grappling with alongside their loss.

A useful tool for both children and adults is to consider making a ‘Memory Box’ of objects to commemorate the lost person.

With the focus on practical class management and curriculum delivery, it’s important that every student and every member of staff feels listened to, and that their emotions are acknowledged and validated, including the sadness, anxiety and other emotions that can come with bereavement.

Some of our free resources could help children to understand and express their emotions, such as the ‘How Does Worried/Scared Feel’ poster, ‘Small & Big Emotions’ homework, and daily ‘Check-In Board’, as could our more comprehensive programmes covering a range of emotions and skills to help deal with them.

For bereaved staff, our free Teacher & Staff Wellbeing Resource Pack, free Weekly Mental Health and Wellbeing Tip, and Staff Mental Health & Wellbeing Programme could be helpful.

One of the most difficult things for us as adults is to recognise and respond to our own emotions, and manage how we deal with them, especially in the context of a busy school environment.

For example, it might seem tempting to ‘keep calm and carry on’ and ‘just get on with things’ but with that denial comes the very real risk of the unacknowledged sadness developing into long-term clinical depression.

In the case of repressed anger about the loss, it might build up and eventually be released outwardly in various subtle or more overt ways.

So one strategy, just as for children and adolescents, is to schedule time for a bereaved member of staff to receive support for the emotions they may be experiencing, perhaps in the form of a regular time when they can, if they wish, talk privately with a trusted colleague or counsellor.

It’s also helpful for staff to have opportunities to share experiences, empathise, acknowledge and respond to the emotions that colleagues are managing.

Again, as for children, one approach might be a type of staff  ‘Circle Time’ where the day-to-day business of school life is put to one side, and staff can share or hear other colleagues share experiences and feelings about issues such as bereavement, the pandemic and other challenges affecting their lives.

Such sessions for bereaved staff would require thoughtful facilitation, genuinely supportive leadership, and confidentiality. Opportunities such as these may often be very valuable for staff who don’t appear to ‘contribute’ – but who listen and hear others expressing how they feel – allowing them to know that they ‘aren’t the only one’.

Bereavement and grief are experiences which most staff are likely to have endured at one point or other in their lives. Recognition of the need to acknowledge the complex process of grief, and support each other through it, will be decisive factors in determining the wellbeing of all members of a school community.

Finally, recognition that there is no set timeline for grief, for children or for adults, and that anniversaries and other events may trigger a resurgence of strong and challenging emotions, is a vital component of ensuring a supportive and compassionate response.

Conclusion

So, to respond to the questions we asked at the start of this article: What are the characteristics of bereavement, and how can we support children, adolescents and staff in dealing with bereavement in schools?

Grief is a non-linear process which brings complex and sometimes contradictory emotions, and each person experiences bereavement in their own way in their own time. The starting point is to make space to listen to and validate the emotions that the individual child, young person or member of staff may be experiencing.

Then, to provide opportunities for a sharing of experiences and ways to cope, and of course to draw down specialist resources from organisations like Winston’s Wish, Child Bereavement UK and Cruse, and sharing these with parents and carers too, as well as bereavement counselling services if needed.

Written by Ava Shabnum Hasan & The Mentally Well Schools Team

Ava Shabnum Hasan   is the Founder of Mentally Well Schools and Associate Lecturer on the  ‘MSc Mental Health & Wellbeing in Education’ at  Buckinghamshire New University.   A former SENDCo and Senior Leader in schools in England and internationally, she has 20 years’  experience in education and now works with a leading Psychotherapist.

Mentally Well Schools is an online platform of free mental health and wellbeing resources, paid evidence-informed programmes, and CPD training to improve student and staff mental health, including a DfE (Department for Education, U.K.) quality assured course. www.mentallywellschools.co.uk 

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